Wednesday, July 8, 2009

My Pen; My Microphone to the World

My pen is my microphone to the world. When I think of all my best ideas I remember my pen being the first one to convey them. Whether I was writing to myself, God, my audience(whomever they may be) or just hearing myself out loud it was on paper first. Well, maybe it really was in thought first but it had power when it became words on paper. I remember thinking back to when I first lost my voice shortly after the abuse, something that I didn't understand at the time of course. Aren't you supposed to be able to trust the adults in your life as a child? That is what everyone in my world was trying to convey, however I realized quickly that was not an absolute! You know the story, don't you, because it's not new I would discover in the years to come. It was through the experiences that evolved from my rebellion against the man-made rules for girls and how they are suppose to behave that awakened my voice again. There were also those unwritten laws of "our" boundaries of how we were supposed to act because everything was our fought just by the nature of our gender. This awakening stirring inside of me caused me to pull more and more away from others back into myself until I was able to clearly hear again and then something wonderful happened. The flow came through my pen and my life would never be the same because there was a releasing of feelings that was dammed up for so long. Of course all of the rough, nasty, decayed stuff had to flow out first to get to the clear waters but then it was pure freedom and no one could stand in my way. I remember at 15 years old and my love for music lead me to a choir at school whereby a wonderful African American Chorus teacher took me under her wing and directed the flow through my voice out of my head and heart through singing in the Spring Concert. That was the first time at recognizing that one can give themselves over to their passion and it will take on a life of its own. When she played back the lead recording I was performing from Jesus Christ Superstar, "I don't know how to love Him", I was blown away because I did not know who that voice was!
It wasn't until years later after my divorce and three children to raise without child support that I rediscovered to go within to find that voice for survival and rejuvenation. I had to regain courage to go out into the world to be heard and be reckoned with, I would survive! I had to rethink the debilitating words that were currently in my life and how to replace them with more empowering words to push me through victoriously. This began with pulling forward the memories of surviving ill experiences in the past and re-membering what it was in the process that fused me. Affirmations (empowering words) daily were a must once I decided my direction (goals).I was going to become a Cosmetologist and have my own business. I decided that no one was going to control my destiny anymore. I started envisioning my future as I wanted it to be through writing and so it became my reality!

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