It all began when I was only twelve years old. I wondered if I was the only one that could possibly question this thing called racism. In the neighborhood where I lived I saw all kinds of people every day and never considered that there were rules of behavior that just could not be broken without great repercussions. It wasn’t until that awful day, April 4, 1968 in Raleigh, NC when I saw the Purina Dog Chow Plant burning on TV and heard about the curfew on the city that had everyone off the streets by nightfall, that caught my attention that something terrible had happened which would change my life forever.
The television was broadcasting on every channel that Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. had been assassinated on a balcony in Memphis Tenn., where he went in support of striking African American sanitation workers. Dr. King was in support of equal rights for every individual was what I heard and this thought caused me to start noticing everything surrounding me that maybe I had not noticed being white and possibly sheltered from such actions that I was unaware of. I realized at that moment that everything is not as it appears or that just maybe one doesn’t even know what they are looking at until it is defined.
I began to question everything after this day of terror in America. As I look back this was the first terrorist attack on America for me. Up until this point the only terrorist I had known was the terror I had experienced from the men in my mother's life. I never realized that there were people around me that had a lot of terror going on in their life as well. From that point in my life I began to question truth and who was trying to tell it. I learned that the journey of truth can be the greatest quest one will ever take. When you hear ones such as Dr. Martin Luther King, Robert F. Kennedy, John F. Kennedy, Mahatma Gandhi, Jesus Christ, Muhammad, Baha’u’llah, and many others that I have studied along my journey in quest of truth for myself it leads one back to the Source of all truth that resides right where you are was my discovery. This “source”, is internal was my revelation and everyone has their own opinions of “how to” make the connection so that one can be directed in their steps. For me, the beginning quest was initiated when I experienced an untruth that was horrendous enough to make me question every thing I had known and experienced up to that point. I am eternally grateful that this awakening happened early on so as not to have so many layers to have to unfurl to be accepting to fresh new possibilities. Of course this wasn’t without consequences of being outcaste by all those that thought they knew me! However, looking back over others that quested for truth this seemed to be a pattern, so who am I for it to be any different. Forty-two years later and still counting I am not surprised that this has been the Greatest Journey ever!
I have always been one to enjoy history as a trail to pieces of the puzzle towards understanding how everything has come together up until this point. Of course, I also discovered that depending on who is telling the history and their freedom to do so as to how they processed it or interpredeted it, can alter the truth for those that follow. Again a little glitch in truth telling. Being a writer I quickly realized the power of the pen to alter people's minds as to the plot and purpose of a story. Investigating this thing called truth is not a task for the faint at heart but I have also learned that if your intentions is for your own personal freedom you will be guided by the mystical hand of inquisitiveness towards your liberation. This true found freedom is not something magical you can pass onto someone else however, when inquired upon one can toss out mere morsels to cause one to venture on their own inner journey towards their fates destination of enlightenment. This personal investigation of truth for me has led me on many trails of unchartered waters whereby, I have held on at times for dear life and at other times I have floated to bask in the sunshine. Every moment has been well worth the ride because ultimately, the journey has been where all the growth has been towards personal freedom.
Recently I have embarked upon the adventure of internal Yoga. I don’t consider myself by no means to be an expert on anything however, I do see the value in experience for oneself, rather than riding on the stories of others. This journey so far has reminded me much of the necessity of stillness to appreciate the miles traveled. Through my many travels I have been able to truly appreciate the exposure to others experiences and stories attained. It takes a willingness to be still in the task of integrating these experiences with your own to figure out what it all amounts to . Over the many years of observation I’ve come to realize that to see life bigger than your own takes great courage. Now, as I begin to see life all over again through the new fresh eyes of my grandchildren life brings on a whole new perspective. Being entertained by their drive to be creative, is a joy within itself because as we mature we have a tendency to forget the power of the imagination and it’s ability to create whatever you can imagine. I am blessed to be surrounded by so much expressive energy to create, create, create new beginnings!
This is a whole new chapter of my life to take part in the “New Beginnings” of a whole new society of fresh new possibilities and to accomplish the dream that so many others have resonated with. This “World Family” that has been spoken about for centuries is upon us, passed down for us to embark upon it’s possibility and all we all have to do is get out of the way for it’s unfolding. I am so excited to be a part of The Greatest Journey!
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Saturday, December 18, 2010
When You've Got Faith
There have been many times in my life when the conversation around the table has been about, "when you have faith". However, the most profound times have been when my children remind me of the journey we all have experienced and recognizing that it has been because of our faith that we have much to be grateful for.
This year has been one that I would like to send out with this message of, "When You've Got Faith". My daughter reminded me the other day that when people are broke, faith is the only thing that they have to hold on to. I had to laugh, thinking to myself that I've known lots of people in these past few years that have had to depend on their faith and they don't think of themselves as broke. However, my other daughter reminded me that "broke" wasn't just in a material way, OK, I get that!
That brings me to the thought of what out faith is made up of. For me, it's all about the experiences in my life whereby there is no other explanation for my very existence other that something much bigger than me carrying me through it all. There has always been moments in my daily life that bring me to constant confirmation that I have so much to be grateful for. I do have to admit that because of my brokenness starting out in this life it created the environment for me to quest for answers from a much higher source. I learned to trust my inner GPS system early on in life and I am guilty for encouraging my children to do the same based on the great results I experienced. I also felt a great freedom within myself to experience this sincere connection to my faith.
Faith for me is very tangible because it's such a powerful part of my personal story. I hope that for every person that has had to trust their faith this year, it has been a powerful experience and will empower each of you to trust, dream, hope and believe in yourself that you can reach all of your dreams. May every day bring you closer to the reality of the power of your faith and I look forward to many "recipes of life", that you offer up to all of us from your "Writers Cafe" within. May the blessings of this season of gifting bring you all the joy of your hearts as you share the gifts of your spirit with others.
Remember, when you've got faith, you've got the best gift that anyone can possibly receive.
This year has been one that I would like to send out with this message of, "When You've Got Faith". My daughter reminded me the other day that when people are broke, faith is the only thing that they have to hold on to. I had to laugh, thinking to myself that I've known lots of people in these past few years that have had to depend on their faith and they don't think of themselves as broke. However, my other daughter reminded me that "broke" wasn't just in a material way, OK, I get that!
That brings me to the thought of what out faith is made up of. For me, it's all about the experiences in my life whereby there is no other explanation for my very existence other that something much bigger than me carrying me through it all. There has always been moments in my daily life that bring me to constant confirmation that I have so much to be grateful for. I do have to admit that because of my brokenness starting out in this life it created the environment for me to quest for answers from a much higher source. I learned to trust my inner GPS system early on in life and I am guilty for encouraging my children to do the same based on the great results I experienced. I also felt a great freedom within myself to experience this sincere connection to my faith.
Faith for me is very tangible because it's such a powerful part of my personal story. I hope that for every person that has had to trust their faith this year, it has been a powerful experience and will empower each of you to trust, dream, hope and believe in yourself that you can reach all of your dreams. May every day bring you closer to the reality of the power of your faith and I look forward to many "recipes of life", that you offer up to all of us from your "Writers Cafe" within. May the blessings of this season of gifting bring you all the joy of your hearts as you share the gifts of your spirit with others.
Remember, when you've got faith, you've got the best gift that anyone can possibly receive.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
THE POWER OF THE FLAME AND IT'S HOLDER
When one has grown up very close to the flame and what causes it, it's very hard not to get burnt; from time to time.
I remember the flames of the fires in Raleigh, North Carolina after the assassination of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. I realize now over fifty years later, that was the turning point in my life for the journey I would travel and the near consuming moments in time at the nearness to the fire. I was eight years old at the witness of the injustice in Raleigh at the time and I wondered what was going on but there were injustices of another kind going on in our house. The dysfunctions of our society as a whole was what I was feeling and there was nothing I could do about it but just survive and grow up;quick.
I began to realize that as I became an adult there were a lot of decisions that I would have to make that would define who I was and what I really believed. I couldn't depend on Society to define that because the color of my skin in the time I was growing up said something different was expected than what I was willing to abide by. I realize now that I made the right choices concerning where I stood on the issues of racism, sexism, classism, and every other label that seperates us from one another by definition. It is by the definitions of someone else's value system established by one group or another that keeps us in turmoil and indicisive as to our own opinions.
In deciding one's own opinion one must step outside of an established set of rules and do their own research through their own experiences to recognize their own truth. To try to apply that experience to every situation or group of people is as wrong as the sterotypical information we already have. I am proud to see that with each new generation they are becoming less likely to just be part of the status quo.
It is because of the brave souls that step outside of the status quo that pave the way for those that follow. Every time one chooses to do ,say or think a little differently, it is a step forward in evolving and elevating our awareness toward the Unity of Humanity in Oneness. There are still a lot of things in our Society that give individuals a step up because of the color of their skin or their gender but it is up to each one to do whatever they can for the next generation with what they are given.
When any one of us gets close to the fire we have to ask ourselves if it will consume us or will we use it's flame to see what we need to see within the dark spaces to forge ahead with the torch for those that follow.
Fire can warm and enlighten or consume and destroy. It is the intention of the holder of the flame that makes the difference. The question is; when you are passed the torch...what will your intention be and how will you use it's power?
I remember the flames of the fires in Raleigh, North Carolina after the assassination of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. I realize now over fifty years later, that was the turning point in my life for the journey I would travel and the near consuming moments in time at the nearness to the fire. I was eight years old at the witness of the injustice in Raleigh at the time and I wondered what was going on but there were injustices of another kind going on in our house. The dysfunctions of our society as a whole was what I was feeling and there was nothing I could do about it but just survive and grow up;quick.
I began to realize that as I became an adult there were a lot of decisions that I would have to make that would define who I was and what I really believed. I couldn't depend on Society to define that because the color of my skin in the time I was growing up said something different was expected than what I was willing to abide by. I realize now that I made the right choices concerning where I stood on the issues of racism, sexism, classism, and every other label that seperates us from one another by definition. It is by the definitions of someone else's value system established by one group or another that keeps us in turmoil and indicisive as to our own opinions.
In deciding one's own opinion one must step outside of an established set of rules and do their own research through their own experiences to recognize their own truth. To try to apply that experience to every situation or group of people is as wrong as the sterotypical information we already have. I am proud to see that with each new generation they are becoming less likely to just be part of the status quo.
It is because of the brave souls that step outside of the status quo that pave the way for those that follow. Every time one chooses to do ,say or think a little differently, it is a step forward in evolving and elevating our awareness toward the Unity of Humanity in Oneness. There are still a lot of things in our Society that give individuals a step up because of the color of their skin or their gender but it is up to each one to do whatever they can for the next generation with what they are given.
When any one of us gets close to the fire we have to ask ourselves if it will consume us or will we use it's flame to see what we need to see within the dark spaces to forge ahead with the torch for those that follow.
Fire can warm and enlighten or consume and destroy. It is the intention of the holder of the flame that makes the difference. The question is; when you are passed the torch...what will your intention be and how will you use it's power?
Sunday, September 26, 2010
A RIDE DOWN MEMORY LANE
Turning onto the boulevard the rushing memories came flooding back to my memory of blasting radios and filled sidewalks of men and women letting off steam from months of the life they were trying to escape by fleeing to the beach. It was an exciting time back in the 70's and 80's at Atlantic Beach, S.C. The beach was better known in South Carolina as the "Black Beach" among the locals. As I reflect on my memories while driving down the dying out of yesterday to make way for another tomorrow, it was like stepping back into time. My stories, I'm sure would be quite different than my daughters family who still operate one of the few business' left standing from years gone by of a more flourishing time economically.They are still standing amidst the transition of the inevitable which brings a smile to my face as I approach the waterfront property. Where once their view was obstructed by surrounding buildings, they now can open the side doors from their club to look directly to the wonderful oceanfront. What a blessing I shared with my daughters aunties to have this magnificent view. I was thinking to myself that their tenacity has paid off to just be able to wake up in the mornings to this site. There are so many people that would die for it and some have. I am grateful to have shared memories with these wonderful souls that have encouraged my spirit to never give up.
I was one of the few Caucasians that braved the imaginary barriers erected by our society back in the day to frequently visit this blast of the past location. Little did I know at the time; to experience memories that would prepare me to survive many storms. There were some really tough experiences as well, however, through prayer and releasing of old energies by continuing to visit the area, I still come back to the admirable memories. What I really admire the most is one of my daughters aunties that in stature is no bigger that a minute but she has remained an icon in her own right as a survivor of every storm that has come her way. Her dreams of hanging on, "No Matter What", has paid off. She is still standing and as I drive up to her establishment the memories come flooding back. I have always admired her stamina when everyone else gave up, she was still there with a smile. She has never changed in that and has always been ready for business. Over the years I have rode down this fading beach memory but she has always still been here with a loving smile and embrace to remind me that she is still standing. There have been many ones over the years that have tried to trick or connive their way into her space and heart to cause her to fall but she always manages to come through it all. It is because of her wisdom and strength that we all can ride back down "Memory Lane" to see she is still standing strong, waiting for us to arrive and with her warm smile to welcome us. She'll have good food, drinks and music to take us away from our cares temporarily while we reflect on yesteryear's gone by that few of us shared in memories of this ole beach with her in our memories but she also inspires each of us to be strong,to have tenacity in achieving our dreams and to move on them when the timing is right is a major key but most important in this wisdom message is , to never give up! I appreciate this fact the most; that it is her tenacity that has always inspired me every time I've came back for a visit to this wonderful place in my memories here at Atlantic Beach, S.C.
I realized as I walked the beach that the only thing in life that holds us back from our dreams is our fears but when we have the faith of our ancestors to still have vision for our tomorrows and tenaciously not give up, we can attain those dreams step by step through moving forward in our minds. After returning home I had a dream where I was on the beach inviting a group of young people to come over the sand dunes to visit the historical "Atlantic Beach" and as we crossed the dunes there were business' everywhere on this small piece of "The Strand", booming with excitment! Just like it was when I was a young teenager of only 16, with the patio open to a new generation of dancers enjoying the outdoor sounds of music and there amidst all the excitment was my daughters auntie, still standing, still smiling! I woke up knowing that everything is ok, everything is in Divine order and I am blessed to have shared the memories.
I was one of the few Caucasians that braved the imaginary barriers erected by our society back in the day to frequently visit this blast of the past location. Little did I know at the time; to experience memories that would prepare me to survive many storms. There were some really tough experiences as well, however, through prayer and releasing of old energies by continuing to visit the area, I still come back to the admirable memories. What I really admire the most is one of my daughters aunties that in stature is no bigger that a minute but she has remained an icon in her own right as a survivor of every storm that has come her way. Her dreams of hanging on, "No Matter What", has paid off. She is still standing and as I drive up to her establishment the memories come flooding back. I have always admired her stamina when everyone else gave up, she was still there with a smile. She has never changed in that and has always been ready for business. Over the years I have rode down this fading beach memory but she has always still been here with a loving smile and embrace to remind me that she is still standing. There have been many ones over the years that have tried to trick or connive their way into her space and heart to cause her to fall but she always manages to come through it all. It is because of her wisdom and strength that we all can ride back down "Memory Lane" to see she is still standing strong, waiting for us to arrive and with her warm smile to welcome us. She'll have good food, drinks and music to take us away from our cares temporarily while we reflect on yesteryear's gone by that few of us shared in memories of this ole beach with her in our memories but she also inspires each of us to be strong,to have tenacity in achieving our dreams and to move on them when the timing is right is a major key but most important in this wisdom message is , to never give up! I appreciate this fact the most; that it is her tenacity that has always inspired me every time I've came back for a visit to this wonderful place in my memories here at Atlantic Beach, S.C.
I realized as I walked the beach that the only thing in life that holds us back from our dreams is our fears but when we have the faith of our ancestors to still have vision for our tomorrows and tenaciously not give up, we can attain those dreams step by step through moving forward in our minds. After returning home I had a dream where I was on the beach inviting a group of young people to come over the sand dunes to visit the historical "Atlantic Beach" and as we crossed the dunes there were business' everywhere on this small piece of "The Strand", booming with excitment! Just like it was when I was a young teenager of only 16, with the patio open to a new generation of dancers enjoying the outdoor sounds of music and there amidst all the excitment was my daughters auntie, still standing, still smiling! I woke up knowing that everything is ok, everything is in Divine order and I am blessed to have shared the memories.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
WHAT CAN YOU IMAGINE
Well friends, here we are again sitting at the writer's Café. Just thought I would order up a cup of my favorite coffee, kick back and do a little chatting with you. There's been a lot going on around the world recently and in our own small little communities. Even in some of our small little worlds. As I listen to the conversations of those that I come in contact with, not only do I recognize tremendous issues of fears around everything from the escalating cost of gas, the oil spills in the Gulf or anywhere else that the horrendous acts of exploiting others can take place. The questions of how much more can mother Earth take before she will finally get us all back, never ceases to amaze me. Are we so small minded, that we can not see the harm that we're not only bringing to others, but that we're bringing to ourselves because we’re not willing to stand accountable individually or collectively for the acts that take place around us. Even our own very thoughts dictate the outcome surrounding us. But do we take responsibility for those thoughts, and the power that they hold as we exclaim them to the world?
Recently I have been paying attention to what my intentions are for my life as well as for the entire humanity around me. As I take the time to reflect back on my life, I realize how many things I manifested into my life simply by the way that I believed and what I spoke about. I know that there are those that are skeptical about this kind of observation. However, it is an honest observation that I have made of me and for me. There is no denying that, because it is my story. I do believe that everyone has to write their own life story and that is the reason that I created the Writer's Café. My intentions were to encourage others to do the same. I have come to realize that it takes great introspection into your life and your surroundings to be able to tell your story, separate from the beliefs that bombard you every day in the media and your families and the stories that surround you along with your spiritual communities. However, it is a task that you have to take upon yourself, I believe, in order to truly find your authentic self.
There is a lot of talk going on about discovering your shadows and what affect they have on you and all those that surround you. This is not a new psychology. However, I do believe that it is about timing, that it has become so popular. I also do believe that there is a time and place for everything. I have quite often myself felt at many times that I was born before my time, as people would say back in the day.
There is a lot of talk going around about creating a new world attitude. Well in my original business of cosmetology, I can remember many times creating new attitudes of those that sat my chair, simply just by creating a new do! Trying on something new certainly caused a many client to "high step" out of the door with courage and a sense of new purpose. Just by trying on something new the clients got what they needed to get out of their ruts. Just maybe that's what our society needs; to try on, a new do! I've been thinking a lot about what it would take to really turn things around and I think if we are willing to dig around in the dark to face our deepest fears and our shadows it would surely be a good place to start. Our country as a whole has a lot of shadows, which causes us as individuals to also had shadows from being a part of its history. Accepting the responsibility for our part in that legacy is a place where we can begin. It is not a place whereby we have to end.
Creating a new paragraph in history, to not only think differently, but to act differently is an individual’s responsibility of process. Forgiveness is a good place to start, because until we can forgive ourselves and others we cannot move forward into new thinking. What will happen is the same old story will keep popping up its ugly head to ask the question, “whose fault is it?” If we're always focused on “whose fault is it”, there will be much valuable time lost in working on the solution towards greater unity. Life is about relationships, yours, mine and everyone around us. In order to understand relationships, we have to understand ourselves. I don't know about you, but the more time I spend on trying to understand myself the less time I have to worry about others and their shadows. I have been learning that the more I pay attention to what affects me and in return, how I affect others has caused me to care more about why I think the way that I do. I ask myself constantly, is my thinking productive for my highest good and for those around me.
This process for me not only begins at home, but it carries over into the workplace and into the larger community of where I live with the people I come in contact with, be they friends or strangers. I'm discovering that when people conform to their fears, they stop living. It's like holding your breath, nothing else happens. Fear causes us to not see possibilities. When we cannot imagine possibilities we can not create and if we do not create, we die. Death is not something to fear when you are finished. I don't know about you, but I definitely know that I am not finished. Therefore, if our hearts desire is for things to change, we have to get back to imagining. A lot of us have forgotten; what the mind can conceive and the heart can believe the body can achieve. The mind cannot conceive anything it cannot imagine, so, my question for you, as I sip the last drop from my cup is;
“What can You imagine that your GOD can imagine for You and all those You love?” Then, IT IS SO!!
Recently I have been paying attention to what my intentions are for my life as well as for the entire humanity around me. As I take the time to reflect back on my life, I realize how many things I manifested into my life simply by the way that I believed and what I spoke about. I know that there are those that are skeptical about this kind of observation. However, it is an honest observation that I have made of me and for me. There is no denying that, because it is my story. I do believe that everyone has to write their own life story and that is the reason that I created the Writer's Café. My intentions were to encourage others to do the same. I have come to realize that it takes great introspection into your life and your surroundings to be able to tell your story, separate from the beliefs that bombard you every day in the media and your families and the stories that surround you along with your spiritual communities. However, it is a task that you have to take upon yourself, I believe, in order to truly find your authentic self.
There is a lot of talk going on about discovering your shadows and what affect they have on you and all those that surround you. This is not a new psychology. However, I do believe that it is about timing, that it has become so popular. I also do believe that there is a time and place for everything. I have quite often myself felt at many times that I was born before my time, as people would say back in the day.
There is a lot of talk going around about creating a new world attitude. Well in my original business of cosmetology, I can remember many times creating new attitudes of those that sat my chair, simply just by creating a new do! Trying on something new certainly caused a many client to "high step" out of the door with courage and a sense of new purpose. Just by trying on something new the clients got what they needed to get out of their ruts. Just maybe that's what our society needs; to try on, a new do! I've been thinking a lot about what it would take to really turn things around and I think if we are willing to dig around in the dark to face our deepest fears and our shadows it would surely be a good place to start. Our country as a whole has a lot of shadows, which causes us as individuals to also had shadows from being a part of its history. Accepting the responsibility for our part in that legacy is a place where we can begin. It is not a place whereby we have to end.
Creating a new paragraph in history, to not only think differently, but to act differently is an individual’s responsibility of process. Forgiveness is a good place to start, because until we can forgive ourselves and others we cannot move forward into new thinking. What will happen is the same old story will keep popping up its ugly head to ask the question, “whose fault is it?” If we're always focused on “whose fault is it”, there will be much valuable time lost in working on the solution towards greater unity. Life is about relationships, yours, mine and everyone around us. In order to understand relationships, we have to understand ourselves. I don't know about you, but the more time I spend on trying to understand myself the less time I have to worry about others and their shadows. I have been learning that the more I pay attention to what affects me and in return, how I affect others has caused me to care more about why I think the way that I do. I ask myself constantly, is my thinking productive for my highest good and for those around me.
This process for me not only begins at home, but it carries over into the workplace and into the larger community of where I live with the people I come in contact with, be they friends or strangers. I'm discovering that when people conform to their fears, they stop living. It's like holding your breath, nothing else happens. Fear causes us to not see possibilities. When we cannot imagine possibilities we can not create and if we do not create, we die. Death is not something to fear when you are finished. I don't know about you, but I definitely know that I am not finished. Therefore, if our hearts desire is for things to change, we have to get back to imagining. A lot of us have forgotten; what the mind can conceive and the heart can believe the body can achieve. The mind cannot conceive anything it cannot imagine, so, my question for you, as I sip the last drop from my cup is;
“What can You imagine that your GOD can imagine for You and all those You love?” Then, IT IS SO!!
Saturday, May 8, 2010
CROSSROADS
I've chosen again to feature one of the pieces my friend "Sam" wrote this month titled "Crossroads". During all the business of summer and my writing assignments it is a blessing for some of you to share your recipes of life from your kitchens. I truly appreciate your servings and that is our purpose here @ "The Writers Cafe"...sharing the love of recipes. Please enjoy the servings and offer up your encouragement to others.
We've all been here
or one day will be
A crossroads in time
is looking at me
Where did it all go
the time that's behind
How did i get here
what will i find
From the past and the present I hear them say
you can do anything only you stand in your way
Leaving from here the path that I'm on
the past is my bedrock it's all that I've known
I can see the future
and I know where I've been
I stand here today with only a grin
A cross roads in time yeah that's where I'm at
going to step off that ole beaten path
Samantha McBryde
We've all been here
or one day will be
A crossroads in time
is looking at me
Where did it all go
the time that's behind
How did i get here
what will i find
From the past and the present I hear them say
you can do anything only you stand in your way
Leaving from here the path that I'm on
the past is my bedrock it's all that I've known
I can see the future
and I know where I've been
I stand here today with only a grin
A cross roads in time yeah that's where I'm at
going to step off that ole beaten path
Samantha McBryde
Friday, April 23, 2010
Riding With Jesus
This is a story submitted by a good friend of mine whom I have always admired for her courage in speaking her mind. Thank-you Sam for being YOU:-)
It was a beautiful winter morning; you could see spring around the corner. I had started feeling a little sick. I thought to myself, this can’t be your too young. Even though I had taken the precautions I had failed, I was pregnant. Scared and not knowing what to do, I called my mother. Together we decide the best thing is, go to California to be with her till the baby is born. She sent me a Greyhound ticket and off I went.
Dazed and not knowing where life would take me from here I showed my ticket and boarded the bus. Looking out the window, watching the scenery go by like clips from a movie, it was like I was hypnotized. We came to the first stop in Charlotte, North Carolina. One of the last people getting on the bus was this man, and my first thought was he looks like Jesus. He looked and was dressed in what my mind’s eye had always pictured Jesus to look like. He had cloth wrapped around his feet for socks under his sandals and homemade clothes of the same material. Sitting in the seat next to me he looked over at me and said, “Hello my child, how are you today?” I could tell right away he was a very spiritual person.
“Where are you going?” he asked.
“California.” I answered.
“This will be a good trip that’s where I’m headed too. Most of the time I ride my bicycle but I have been blessed with enough extra money to get a ticket this time, so I will do my work this way,” he tells me.
He started talking about how he travels the county visiting his brothers and sisters. I didn’t understand then that he meant people that believed in the lord as he did. Never once did he push his beliefs on me or even talk about them really, he just had this air about him and you just knew he loved the Lord. The fact that I had started calling him Jesus to myself might have helped too.
Somewhere around Nashville these two little old women got on the bus. They set right up front with Jesus and me. From the minute they got on the bus they were fun, the ladies Jesus and I talked about any and everything. Somehow we got on the subject of home cooked food. We talked about all the things from out childhoods, there’s being much longer ago than mine, to things we still love to eat today. The conversation had taken us all the way to Oklahoma, by now we were all getting hungry talking about all that food. One of the ladies said, “Boy it will be a long time before we can get good food like that.” Jesus told her, “We never know what the lord has in store for us.” It was about an hour later we pulled into the parking lot of a weather beaten cinderblock building. Busses will stop almost anywhere to pick people up. We were told that we would be at this stop for about forty-five minutes so we could all get off and stretch our legs.
The ladies left the bus first with me right on their heels; Jesus was coming out behind us. As soon as we stepped on the ground all three of our noses went straight into the air. The smells of all the home cooked food we had talked about wrapped around us like a warm blanket. Jesus was stepping off the last step as the wonderful aromas found him. His arms went into the air as his head tilted to the sky, “Thank you!” he said. Then he looked at the ladies and myself and said, “See my children ask and you shall receive.” We all walked into the building and before us were all of the foods we had talked about for the past few hundred miles. I couldn’t believe it! I looked at Jesus with a look of wonder and he just nodded and told me to enjoy the harvest of plenty God had put here for us.
I did a lot of thinking the rest of that bus trip and had many more conversations with my wonderful companions. The man I called Jesus living up to my thoughts of him as the miles rolled by.
We arrived in Baskerville, California to have our last breakfast together before we all went our separate ways. Like the many stops before we walked into the bus stop to the smell of wonderful food. We had our last meal together and said our goodbyes. The ladies went there way to catch the next bus and Jesus and I went back to ours. He was getting his bicycle from the luggage compartment as I was waiting to board. We said our goodbyes at last and as I was boarding the bus he tells me, “take care of that son you have with you.” My thoughts went crazy, as I claimed my seat for the last leg of my bus ride. I had never spoken of being pregnant and I wasn’t showing so how did this man know?
Still to this day as I travel the roads in this country I look for the man I called Jesus knowing I will see him somewhere one day showing his kindness that he had shown to me so many years ago.
It was a beautiful winter morning; you could see spring around the corner. I had started feeling a little sick. I thought to myself, this can’t be your too young. Even though I had taken the precautions I had failed, I was pregnant. Scared and not knowing what to do, I called my mother. Together we decide the best thing is, go to California to be with her till the baby is born. She sent me a Greyhound ticket and off I went.
Dazed and not knowing where life would take me from here I showed my ticket and boarded the bus. Looking out the window, watching the scenery go by like clips from a movie, it was like I was hypnotized. We came to the first stop in Charlotte, North Carolina. One of the last people getting on the bus was this man, and my first thought was he looks like Jesus. He looked and was dressed in what my mind’s eye had always pictured Jesus to look like. He had cloth wrapped around his feet for socks under his sandals and homemade clothes of the same material. Sitting in the seat next to me he looked over at me and said, “Hello my child, how are you today?” I could tell right away he was a very spiritual person.
“Where are you going?” he asked.
“California.” I answered.
“This will be a good trip that’s where I’m headed too. Most of the time I ride my bicycle but I have been blessed with enough extra money to get a ticket this time, so I will do my work this way,” he tells me.
He started talking about how he travels the county visiting his brothers and sisters. I didn’t understand then that he meant people that believed in the lord as he did. Never once did he push his beliefs on me or even talk about them really, he just had this air about him and you just knew he loved the Lord. The fact that I had started calling him Jesus to myself might have helped too.
Somewhere around Nashville these two little old women got on the bus. They set right up front with Jesus and me. From the minute they got on the bus they were fun, the ladies Jesus and I talked about any and everything. Somehow we got on the subject of home cooked food. We talked about all the things from out childhoods, there’s being much longer ago than mine, to things we still love to eat today. The conversation had taken us all the way to Oklahoma, by now we were all getting hungry talking about all that food. One of the ladies said, “Boy it will be a long time before we can get good food like that.” Jesus told her, “We never know what the lord has in store for us.” It was about an hour later we pulled into the parking lot of a weather beaten cinderblock building. Busses will stop almost anywhere to pick people up. We were told that we would be at this stop for about forty-five minutes so we could all get off and stretch our legs.
The ladies left the bus first with me right on their heels; Jesus was coming out behind us. As soon as we stepped on the ground all three of our noses went straight into the air. The smells of all the home cooked food we had talked about wrapped around us like a warm blanket. Jesus was stepping off the last step as the wonderful aromas found him. His arms went into the air as his head tilted to the sky, “Thank you!” he said. Then he looked at the ladies and myself and said, “See my children ask and you shall receive.” We all walked into the building and before us were all of the foods we had talked about for the past few hundred miles. I couldn’t believe it! I looked at Jesus with a look of wonder and he just nodded and told me to enjoy the harvest of plenty God had put here for us.
I did a lot of thinking the rest of that bus trip and had many more conversations with my wonderful companions. The man I called Jesus living up to my thoughts of him as the miles rolled by.
We arrived in Baskerville, California to have our last breakfast together before we all went our separate ways. Like the many stops before we walked into the bus stop to the smell of wonderful food. We had our last meal together and said our goodbyes. The ladies went there way to catch the next bus and Jesus and I went back to ours. He was getting his bicycle from the luggage compartment as I was waiting to board. We said our goodbyes at last and as I was boarding the bus he tells me, “take care of that son you have with you.” My thoughts went crazy, as I claimed my seat for the last leg of my bus ride. I had never spoken of being pregnant and I wasn’t showing so how did this man know?
Still to this day as I travel the roads in this country I look for the man I called Jesus knowing I will see him somewhere one day showing his kindness that he had shown to me so many years ago.
Friday, February 12, 2010
For the Love of My Cat..."Spirit"
When my daughter told me her story of her cat "Spirit" crossing over I encouraged her to share this story with the world because I just knew that it would touch so many "Souls". I always ask others to share their "recipes of life" with others so that it can carry us all over the threshold of sharing so as to connect our souls to one another. We all are only one story away from one another...please share your threads of life to this wonderful Web of Light:
Kisha's Story:
ok so here goes the story...I got up as usual....Jasmine and I en route to school and work....when I noticed a cat in the turning lane ...dead...omg ..got closer...it's my cat, Spirit...Jasmine sees Spirit lying lifeless...she immediately goes into denial..."that's not him" she keeps saying...we get to her school...she said...mom you are going back to ck right? txt me and tell me..ok?...this is my daughter ...I didn't want to break her heart, but said ok baby...I went back to the spot where my beloved cat of over 12yrs laid lifeless...I went back to the truck got my black ski jacket and a shirt I had n the truck...wrapped him(Spirit, the cat) inside...cried and saying prayers as I put him in the truck...upset and stressed...drove to my job...walked up to the office and told my boss and coworkers what happened....I was a mess..trust me...Melissa said.. go take care of your family...I never buried a animal before and not one I loved dearly...so I went to the only person I knew who could help me in this situation...my cuz Colleen...crying ...I told her everything...I moved my cat to the back seat..she got her shovel and we went to my house...she dug a hole ..while I prayed over my cat some more..then I went out and cleared out the hole from roots,debris...just making sure Spirit would be comfortable you know...then we buried him...I took her home...called my job and gave an update...went and got Jasmine out of school to break the news to her..she knew and fell silent...we went to Lowe's and got some planters to mark the spot...went home ..talked ..cried..then a couple hrs went by ..I'm on the ph with my friend Shannon when I hear my cat say MEOW...I told my friend maybe it wasn't a good idea to bury my cat so close by..then I heard it again..oh yeah..I have two cats by the way...so then I realized it was my other cat Scooter..so I went to let him in...opened the door and there was my cat, Spirit!!!!! I buried the wrong cat!!!!
Kisha's Story:
ok so here goes the story...I got up as usual....Jasmine and I en route to school and work....when I noticed a cat in the turning lane ...dead...omg ..got closer...it's my cat, Spirit...Jasmine sees Spirit lying lifeless...she immediately goes into denial..."that's not him" she keeps saying...we get to her school...she said...mom you are going back to ck right? txt me and tell me..ok?...this is my daughter ...I didn't want to break her heart, but said ok baby...I went back to the spot where my beloved cat of over 12yrs laid lifeless...I went back to the truck got my black ski jacket and a shirt I had n the truck...wrapped him(Spirit, the cat) inside...cried and saying prayers as I put him in the truck...upset and stressed...drove to my job...walked up to the office and told my boss and coworkers what happened....I was a mess..trust me...Melissa said.. go take care of your family...I never buried a animal before and not one I loved dearly...so I went to the only person I knew who could help me in this situation...my cuz Colleen...crying ...I told her everything...I moved my cat to the back seat..she got her shovel and we went to my house...she dug a hole ..while I prayed over my cat some more..then I went out and cleared out the hole from roots,debris...just making sure Spirit would be comfortable you know...then we buried him...I took her home...called my job and gave an update...went and got Jasmine out of school to break the news to her..she knew and fell silent...we went to Lowe's and got some planters to mark the spot...went home ..talked ..cried..then a couple hrs went by ..I'm on the ph with my friend Shannon when I hear my cat say MEOW...I told my friend maybe it wasn't a good idea to bury my cat so close by..then I heard it again..oh yeah..I have two cats by the way...so then I realized it was my other cat Scooter..so I went to let him in...opened the door and there was my cat, Spirit!!!!! I buried the wrong cat!!!!
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
A Few Jewels…for Relationships
I went to a dear friend with a list of questions that get posed quite often in my “Women’s Groups” considering relationship issues and personal development. In this discussion with her I discovered her own challenges with life and development. This caused me to respect her even more as a woman of wisdom when I would look back over her composure as she traveled her own road of personal discovery. Again I was empowered from a sistah sharing her story by focusing on the power of experience and moving on.
These questions get posed quite often when people’s lives change from different lifestyles for the better with partners, but don't know where to go from there.
A few jewels to share with those that wonder about building healthy relationships; from this Sistah Friend:
Although I do not feel qualified to address the questions, I’ll give it a go! As with any relationship, it takes two wanting it for the relationship to develop, grow and last. One cannot make it happen, no matter how badly they want a particular relationship. I spent 18 years in a relationship because my partner had the “potential” to make me happy. I love her with every fiber of my being and thought she could love me in the same way if only I was patient enough, strong enough, loving enough, understanding enough, accepting enough. I invested and invested but was never able to withdraw anything from that investment. In fact, I felt as though I did not even earn any interest on my investment. Finally I decided I would never be “enough” to get what I was seeking from this person. I had to accept she was probably giving as much as she could and it was not enough for me. In therapy I learned what could have been, was. If it could have been any different, it would have been. I also learned unrealized “potential” “ain’t worth horse shit” (quote from my therapist).
When my current partner and I were in crisis, I learned another valuable lesson, this time from a sermon. The Pastor knew nothing of the difficulties so the message was not intended for us. It was a God-thing for me. My partner was out of town with her mother for several weeks (another fall and subsequent injury). She decided that she needed to stay there permanently as things were not good with us. I felt betrayed (we had promised each other we would work things out some way, some how) and hurt beyond words. I was pretty raw but went to church anyway. The sermon that day was about relationships. The words that resulted in my epiphany were: “If someone you love can walk away from you and out of your life, let them.” It took every ounce of strength I had in me that day to stay seated and not run out bawling.
I emailed my partner and told her I would put one of the houses on the market but buy her out of the other one as I wanted to keep it. I told her to decide what she wanted from either house and to make arrangements to have it shipped or come pick it up. There would be no more requests for couples counseling or guilt trips about broken promises coming from me, I said. I wished her well but stated I could not maintain a “friendship” with her as she requested.
She came home “to discuss the division of property”. We spent hours talking, crying and being honest about issues. Although we did not officially agree to work things out, we did. Since that time, there has been no mention of “divorce” and we have worked to make sure that there is no need for that discussion.
I guess my point is, any relationship is difficult sometimes, even loving ones. Thus, one needs to decide if they want to invest the time and energy necessary to maintain a relationship before they jump into one. And they need to be prepared to let go if their partner no longer wants it.
Anyway, based on my own experiences, I am offering the following:
1. Developing healthy relationship suggestions:
a)Listen without preconceived notions.
b)Think before speaking.
c)Don’t commit to a relationship based on one feature, idea or value.
d)Find commonality and focus on that.
e)Make sure you like the person.
f)Realize differences are good, not bad.
2.Suggestions for things to do that would be conducive to maintain healthy, committed relationships:
a)Laugh together often.
b)Don’t take yourself or your partner too seriously.
c)Develop relationships, hobbies and interests independent of your partner.
d)Respect even if you don’t agree.
e)Accept arguments are inevitable and don’t take criticism too personal.
f)Commit to fairness.
3.How to develop healthy friendships with other couples:
a)Seek friendships that compliment your own relationship.
b)Resist comparing other couples to you and your partner.
c)Show genuine interest in developing a relationship.
d)Allow relationships to develop over time.
e)Pick folks who share some of your interests, values, morals.
f)Invest of yourself.
4.Venue for meeting new friends:
a)Participate in a variety of events, i.e., festivals, productions, parties.
b)Blogs, Facebook, Linked In
c)Professional groups/meetings
d)Churches/Spiritual Meetings
e)Social groups/meetings
f)Through other friends
5.What to do when there are different interests between mates:
a)Accept some difference as healthy.
b)Allow space and time for each to pursue their own interests.
c)Decide if your differences are more important than your shared interests.
d)Always, always communicate without judgment.
e)If your different interests bother you, look within to seek why.
f)Different interests do not mean rejection.
6.How to introduce partner to new ideas when they have no interests in anything; burnout:
a)Find out why they have no interest, i.e., depression, stagnation, needing
time to regroup.
b)Make a deal. If they will try thus and so and you will return the favor.
c)Bring what you can to your partner if you cannot persuade them to seek
anything new.
d)Continue to seek your own interests and allow time for healing.
e)Invite friends to spark a lively conversation or introduce something new.
f)Pray
Thanks for giving me the opportunity to share.
In Sisterhood, love and blessings
I truly appreciate my relationships with my sistahs, worldwide and the opportunity to hear their stories via the “Pen” is a bounty beyond measure. I am always seeking ways to better connect us on our heart levels because I feel that it is through our relationships and choices that we heal not only ourselves but the World, “One Heart at A Time”. May we continue to share our stories knowing that therein lays the power that we all seek, to heal the wounds of humanity. May this shared story open new ways of building and preserving relationships that are developing you more towards your own authenticity.
These questions get posed quite often when people’s lives change from different lifestyles for the better with partners, but don't know where to go from there.
A few jewels to share with those that wonder about building healthy relationships; from this Sistah Friend:
Although I do not feel qualified to address the questions, I’ll give it a go! As with any relationship, it takes two wanting it for the relationship to develop, grow and last. One cannot make it happen, no matter how badly they want a particular relationship. I spent 18 years in a relationship because my partner had the “potential” to make me happy. I love her with every fiber of my being and thought she could love me in the same way if only I was patient enough, strong enough, loving enough, understanding enough, accepting enough. I invested and invested but was never able to withdraw anything from that investment. In fact, I felt as though I did not even earn any interest on my investment. Finally I decided I would never be “enough” to get what I was seeking from this person. I had to accept she was probably giving as much as she could and it was not enough for me. In therapy I learned what could have been, was. If it could have been any different, it would have been. I also learned unrealized “potential” “ain’t worth horse shit” (quote from my therapist).
When my current partner and I were in crisis, I learned another valuable lesson, this time from a sermon. The Pastor knew nothing of the difficulties so the message was not intended for us. It was a God-thing for me. My partner was out of town with her mother for several weeks (another fall and subsequent injury). She decided that she needed to stay there permanently as things were not good with us. I felt betrayed (we had promised each other we would work things out some way, some how) and hurt beyond words. I was pretty raw but went to church anyway. The sermon that day was about relationships. The words that resulted in my epiphany were: “If someone you love can walk away from you and out of your life, let them.” It took every ounce of strength I had in me that day to stay seated and not run out bawling.
I emailed my partner and told her I would put one of the houses on the market but buy her out of the other one as I wanted to keep it. I told her to decide what she wanted from either house and to make arrangements to have it shipped or come pick it up. There would be no more requests for couples counseling or guilt trips about broken promises coming from me, I said. I wished her well but stated I could not maintain a “friendship” with her as she requested.
She came home “to discuss the division of property”. We spent hours talking, crying and being honest about issues. Although we did not officially agree to work things out, we did. Since that time, there has been no mention of “divorce” and we have worked to make sure that there is no need for that discussion.
I guess my point is, any relationship is difficult sometimes, even loving ones. Thus, one needs to decide if they want to invest the time and energy necessary to maintain a relationship before they jump into one. And they need to be prepared to let go if their partner no longer wants it.
Anyway, based on my own experiences, I am offering the following:
1. Developing healthy relationship suggestions:
a)Listen without preconceived notions.
b)Think before speaking.
c)Don’t commit to a relationship based on one feature, idea or value.
d)Find commonality and focus on that.
e)Make sure you like the person.
f)Realize differences are good, not bad.
2.Suggestions for things to do that would be conducive to maintain healthy, committed relationships:
a)Laugh together often.
b)Don’t take yourself or your partner too seriously.
c)Develop relationships, hobbies and interests independent of your partner.
d)Respect even if you don’t agree.
e)Accept arguments are inevitable and don’t take criticism too personal.
f)Commit to fairness.
3.How to develop healthy friendships with other couples:
a)Seek friendships that compliment your own relationship.
b)Resist comparing other couples to you and your partner.
c)Show genuine interest in developing a relationship.
d)Allow relationships to develop over time.
e)Pick folks who share some of your interests, values, morals.
f)Invest of yourself.
4.Venue for meeting new friends:
a)Participate in a variety of events, i.e., festivals, productions, parties.
b)Blogs, Facebook, Linked In
c)Professional groups/meetings
d)Churches/Spiritual Meetings
e)Social groups/meetings
f)Through other friends
5.What to do when there are different interests between mates:
a)Accept some difference as healthy.
b)Allow space and time for each to pursue their own interests.
c)Decide if your differences are more important than your shared interests.
d)Always, always communicate without judgment.
e)If your different interests bother you, look within to seek why.
f)Different interests do not mean rejection.
6.How to introduce partner to new ideas when they have no interests in anything; burnout:
a)Find out why they have no interest, i.e., depression, stagnation, needing
time to regroup.
b)Make a deal. If they will try thus and so and you will return the favor.
c)Bring what you can to your partner if you cannot persuade them to seek
anything new.
d)Continue to seek your own interests and allow time for healing.
e)Invite friends to spark a lively conversation or introduce something new.
f)Pray
Thanks for giving me the opportunity to share.
In Sisterhood, love and blessings
I truly appreciate my relationships with my sistahs, worldwide and the opportunity to hear their stories via the “Pen” is a bounty beyond measure. I am always seeking ways to better connect us on our heart levels because I feel that it is through our relationships and choices that we heal not only ourselves but the World, “One Heart at A Time”. May we continue to share our stories knowing that therein lays the power that we all seek, to heal the wounds of humanity. May this shared story open new ways of building and preserving relationships that are developing you more towards your own authenticity.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Love Is…Letting Go!
Walking up the steps I could hear the tiny yelps of excitement coming from the other side of the door. Oh God, I’m thinking to myself, am I really ready for this all over again? Sound familiar…have you ever made a choice and then wondered if you really thought it through? What to do now is the question?
Three months ago I had the opportunity to make the decision if I really wanted a pet and everything that went with it. All my friends had a pet of some kind and I always had in the back of my mind how great it must be to have that kind of love, unconditionally.
Looking back now over the chain of events that have taken place, I’m having to consider again if I’m really up for the commitment. Having to be fully available for someone that totally depends on you, is a serious decision to make. I don’t know if you can really tell whether or not you’re ready until you try. ( It’s quite complicated and intense) I’m going to have to talk to my friend Cathy again, seriously about all the small details that you sometimes miss. Most importantly, I’m going to have to face some serious issues within myself.
Opening the front door, love is in the air, literally, everywhere!
"Come on girls, let mommy in the door and let me put the bags down, then I will pick you up”, I said as I laugh at my two new puppies.
“Whew, what is that smell? I see that you didn’t quite make it to the paper.” Looking around I see three different places where mistakes have been made. “Ok, ok, I say while they are jumping all over me. I see that I’m going to have to make a decision that I didn’t want to have to make.”
“Whether or not to have to crate you, has been something I’ve been considering girls“, I say with a sad face.
It seems that may have to be the conclusion to this process or pay to change all the carpet. I think the crate will be cheaper. Now the question is, can I stand the lock- up process. I don’t know about that! Who knew there would be so many tough decisions pulling on your heart strings in order to have pet ownership. This is the part my friends didn’t share and I didn’t ask. Never take anything for granted I now say! Locking anything up just because of the hard part of creating control, is a hard issue for me. However, it’s that or disaster in the area of preserving property. Well, it looks like there is more in this process towards peeling back my own onion than I realized. Can I put these babies through this sadness because order is important to me at this time in my life. I don’t think order is on the mind of these little ones at this time of their lives, as it shouldn’t be! This is not the time of their lives that they should be still and behave. They should be having fun…like all little children. Why as humans do we want to take all the fun out of youthfulness and then we wake up one day to say … where did it all go? The girls are looking up at me with their little sad faces as if they understand my grief and it feels like they are taking it on because now they look sad with their little ears down and their heads drooped down. Oh God, this is breaking my heart!
The knock on the door is right on time when I open it to see my friend Cathy!
“Girl, I am glad to see you!” I shout with joy and sadness. Hugging her, tears well up in my eyes and she looks at me with a puzzled look.
“Hey girl, what is it,” she asked with a concerned tone.
With tears in my eyes, I look at her and say, “I don’t think I can do it!”
Cathy has been here for me for the past 12 weeks of pet ownership. I should say while I have been test driving because I haven’t fully taken ownership yet and it’s not fair to the puppies I realize. It almost feels like a new relationship after you have been alone for a while and you are not quite sure what you’re willing to give up, sacrifice or share. I feel like such a failure because I don’t see myself in any of my views of my friends as pet parents. Trying to explain my feelings to Cathy only makes me feel worse about myself as I try to regain my composure.
“Oh, come on girl, she says as she pulls me close to give me a big hug. You are a great mother. This is a big job and it may not be for you at this time. It’s ok,” she reassures me.
“But it’s not ok, Cathy,” I scream. I’ve gotten these babies and now I wonder what was on my mind? I just can’t stand the idea of them staying in a crate to keep from messing up material things! They’re just like children,” I say with a feeling of desperation.
“Yes they are and just like we have to think long and hard before having children, it’s the same for pets.”
“Yeah, the difference is that if you screw up and get pregnant after the fact you suck it up to carelessness and the children just live with your choices,” I say.
I know I’ve got all kinds of strong opinions about that behavior! “Cathy I don’t know what to do but I do know that I am willing to sacrifice whatever insecurities I have for their well being because they deserve lots of love, unconditionally,” I say sadly. That is what they give us, all the time, regardless. I don’t think I have that at this stage of my life.
“That’s ok Stephanie and you don’t have to feel sorry for that. Now, what options do you have,” she asked?
“Well, the lady that sold them to me said that she already had someone for one of them and my baby girl is the one she wanted from the beginning, so, I can still be in her life. The other lady will take my phone number and I can still be in both of their lives by pet sitting.”
“Well then, that’s a great option! Cathy says.
Yeah but how do I make the failure feeling go away? “By realizing that it is not a failure!”, she says. “Think about it, when the lady needed someone to take the puppies out of a dire situation, you were there. You took not one but two and then you took them to your vet and got them good and healthy by getting all their shots, deworming and supplies for their wellness. I remember you went to the whole food store to get only the best organic foods and flea repellent stuff (all natural from India).. You basically saved their lives. (Yeah, it kind of reminds me of some of my past relationships…get them all better for someone else…hmmm) You even gave them your home to recoup their energies by loving them and spending 12 weeks of uninterrupted time to help them get off to a great start in their lives. So, maybe you played your part in their lives because a lot of people would not do that and then pass their love ones on to someone else just to love. You helped provide a strong foundation for them to build on. My goodness, you even put then on your nutritional supplement drink after their shots to make sure their little bodies could handle it without complications. Now that’s mama love! They are going to be Super Dogs because of your love and care in their little lives. Now, let someone else build on what you have laid as their cornerstone source! You are giving someone a wonderful gift in these puppies and you can still see them grow…sounds like a grandma to me! What more could you ask for? Just keep being you and don’t apologize! Remember what you told me last year when I was at the crossroads in my relationship? Sometimes, we are only there for a season and we have to realize that, “Love Is…Letting Go!”
“You know what Cathy? I knew there had to be something bigger in this for me to learn because it was bringing up so much stuff emotionally for me. You have been a true friend for helping me to see that in parenting there can be all kinds of gifts that we refuse to see because of we're always trying to measure up to someone else’s standards. You know, I realize now that God gives us just what we need when we are ready to see it.”
“What do you mean Stephanie?”
“Well, I got these puppies right around the holiday season and that is when I always feel the worst about my parenting skills emotionally as a parent. I’m always telling myself that I was never enough for my children or that I wasn’t like someone else but I now realize through this experience that we are just what the other person needs to become who they came to be by the Master Plan! I have always known that everything has a season just like parenting and that in every season something different is required for progress in the process of development. My parenting has always been about empowering others to be self sufficient and to recognize your purpose. I am at the stage of my life now whereby I will be coming in and out of others lives to serve that purpose on a larger scale. That is why I am moving toward starting a woman’s group this year called Women of Wisdom, to “.empower others.” I am reminded again that “Love Is…Letting Go”!
“There is so much more to this story Cathy, than just puppy love…Think about it!’
Three months ago I had the opportunity to make the decision if I really wanted a pet and everything that went with it. All my friends had a pet of some kind and I always had in the back of my mind how great it must be to have that kind of love, unconditionally.
Looking back now over the chain of events that have taken place, I’m having to consider again if I’m really up for the commitment. Having to be fully available for someone that totally depends on you, is a serious decision to make. I don’t know if you can really tell whether or not you’re ready until you try. ( It’s quite complicated and intense) I’m going to have to talk to my friend Cathy again, seriously about all the small details that you sometimes miss. Most importantly, I’m going to have to face some serious issues within myself.
Opening the front door, love is in the air, literally, everywhere!
"Come on girls, let mommy in the door and let me put the bags down, then I will pick you up”, I said as I laugh at my two new puppies.
“Whew, what is that smell? I see that you didn’t quite make it to the paper.” Looking around I see three different places where mistakes have been made. “Ok, ok, I say while they are jumping all over me. I see that I’m going to have to make a decision that I didn’t want to have to make.”
“Whether or not to have to crate you, has been something I’ve been considering girls“, I say with a sad face.
It seems that may have to be the conclusion to this process or pay to change all the carpet. I think the crate will be cheaper. Now the question is, can I stand the lock- up process. I don’t know about that! Who knew there would be so many tough decisions pulling on your heart strings in order to have pet ownership. This is the part my friends didn’t share and I didn’t ask. Never take anything for granted I now say! Locking anything up just because of the hard part of creating control, is a hard issue for me. However, it’s that or disaster in the area of preserving property. Well, it looks like there is more in this process towards peeling back my own onion than I realized. Can I put these babies through this sadness because order is important to me at this time in my life. I don’t think order is on the mind of these little ones at this time of their lives, as it shouldn’t be! This is not the time of their lives that they should be still and behave. They should be having fun…like all little children. Why as humans do we want to take all the fun out of youthfulness and then we wake up one day to say … where did it all go? The girls are looking up at me with their little sad faces as if they understand my grief and it feels like they are taking it on because now they look sad with their little ears down and their heads drooped down. Oh God, this is breaking my heart!
The knock on the door is right on time when I open it to see my friend Cathy!
“Girl, I am glad to see you!” I shout with joy and sadness. Hugging her, tears well up in my eyes and she looks at me with a puzzled look.
“Hey girl, what is it,” she asked with a concerned tone.
With tears in my eyes, I look at her and say, “I don’t think I can do it!”
Cathy has been here for me for the past 12 weeks of pet ownership. I should say while I have been test driving because I haven’t fully taken ownership yet and it’s not fair to the puppies I realize. It almost feels like a new relationship after you have been alone for a while and you are not quite sure what you’re willing to give up, sacrifice or share. I feel like such a failure because I don’t see myself in any of my views of my friends as pet parents. Trying to explain my feelings to Cathy only makes me feel worse about myself as I try to regain my composure.
“Oh, come on girl, she says as she pulls me close to give me a big hug. You are a great mother. This is a big job and it may not be for you at this time. It’s ok,” she reassures me.
“But it’s not ok, Cathy,” I scream. I’ve gotten these babies and now I wonder what was on my mind? I just can’t stand the idea of them staying in a crate to keep from messing up material things! They’re just like children,” I say with a feeling of desperation.
“Yes they are and just like we have to think long and hard before having children, it’s the same for pets.”
“Yeah, the difference is that if you screw up and get pregnant after the fact you suck it up to carelessness and the children just live with your choices,” I say.
I know I’ve got all kinds of strong opinions about that behavior! “Cathy I don’t know what to do but I do know that I am willing to sacrifice whatever insecurities I have for their well being because they deserve lots of love, unconditionally,” I say sadly. That is what they give us, all the time, regardless. I don’t think I have that at this stage of my life.
“That’s ok Stephanie and you don’t have to feel sorry for that. Now, what options do you have,” she asked?
“Well, the lady that sold them to me said that she already had someone for one of them and my baby girl is the one she wanted from the beginning, so, I can still be in her life. The other lady will take my phone number and I can still be in both of their lives by pet sitting.”
“Well then, that’s a great option! Cathy says.
Yeah but how do I make the failure feeling go away? “By realizing that it is not a failure!”, she says. “Think about it, when the lady needed someone to take the puppies out of a dire situation, you were there. You took not one but two and then you took them to your vet and got them good and healthy by getting all their shots, deworming and supplies for their wellness. I remember you went to the whole food store to get only the best organic foods and flea repellent stuff (all natural from India).. You basically saved their lives. (Yeah, it kind of reminds me of some of my past relationships…get them all better for someone else…hmmm) You even gave them your home to recoup their energies by loving them and spending 12 weeks of uninterrupted time to help them get off to a great start in their lives. So, maybe you played your part in their lives because a lot of people would not do that and then pass their love ones on to someone else just to love. You helped provide a strong foundation for them to build on. My goodness, you even put then on your nutritional supplement drink after their shots to make sure their little bodies could handle it without complications. Now that’s mama love! They are going to be Super Dogs because of your love and care in their little lives. Now, let someone else build on what you have laid as their cornerstone source! You are giving someone a wonderful gift in these puppies and you can still see them grow…sounds like a grandma to me! What more could you ask for? Just keep being you and don’t apologize! Remember what you told me last year when I was at the crossroads in my relationship? Sometimes, we are only there for a season and we have to realize that, “Love Is…Letting Go!”
“You know what Cathy? I knew there had to be something bigger in this for me to learn because it was bringing up so much stuff emotionally for me. You have been a true friend for helping me to see that in parenting there can be all kinds of gifts that we refuse to see because of we're always trying to measure up to someone else’s standards. You know, I realize now that God gives us just what we need when we are ready to see it.”
“What do you mean Stephanie?”
“Well, I got these puppies right around the holiday season and that is when I always feel the worst about my parenting skills emotionally as a parent. I’m always telling myself that I was never enough for my children or that I wasn’t like someone else but I now realize through this experience that we are just what the other person needs to become who they came to be by the Master Plan! I have always known that everything has a season just like parenting and that in every season something different is required for progress in the process of development. My parenting has always been about empowering others to be self sufficient and to recognize your purpose. I am at the stage of my life now whereby I will be coming in and out of others lives to serve that purpose on a larger scale. That is why I am moving toward starting a woman’s group this year called Women of Wisdom, to “.empower others.” I am reminded again that “Love Is…Letting Go”!
“There is so much more to this story Cathy, than just puppy love…Think about it!’
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)