Tuesday, September 4, 2007

SCARED OF THE DARK

I heard a song one time called, “Coming out of the dark”. I just cried and I knew why, at least I thought I did at the time. I was ending a relationship that was not healthy for me at all. I had been in a place of incubation for about four years, asking myself, why was I repeating some of the same old behaviors of the past and unhealthy relationships? Why I get involved with these kinds of people, I asked myself. Well, have you ever heard, “like attracts like”? I have and I did not like the sound of that! That meant I had to look in the mirror. I am afraid of the dark! I was afraid to look at some of those deep wounded places, way down deep. Those dark places that hid the shadows reflecting on the walls of my soul. It was time to come out of my own darkness, so that I could recognize the dark places in others and then choose whether or not I wanted to share that walk. Creating healthy boundaries wasn't something I had learned coming from an abusive background, but it was time to brush up on my skills. That dark place where I had been in incubation was not a new place for me. Many times I had been in this cocoon, but I emerged each time with a little something more to build on towards the new me. This time I had more courage to face some of my fears in the dark. I know one of them was fear of surprises. When I was young, I was fearless because my mother was too young to know about healthy boundaries, therefore she didn't instill any kind of fear. Of course she was in survival mode herself. It was amazing how she survived sexual predators, as well as emotional abandonment by her mother and maintained her sanity. It took all of my life of self educating me along with many mistakes, trial and errors of my own, to halfway understand her plight as well as my own. Not having the fear of places or people because of the color of their skin or the status of class caused me to venture into many a dark alley. I mean the alleyways of souls were color and class did not matter. Venturing into darkness were alcohol, drugs, sadness, inequalities of life, self-pity, selfishness, greed, lustfulness, and need I say more, was an unsafe place for a soul, that was only looking for love in all the wrong places. There were lots of surprises that were not very pleasant. I kept pushing those experiences down into a dark place to where I couldn't see them anymore. I would continue to analyze them until there were no more excuses. Surprises were not something I would welcome happily into my life as an adult. Poking around in dark places of my soul, cleaning out the cobwebs made it a little less scary, but there were still moments that took a lot of courage to turn the corner. That is when I would catch myself in another situation that felt familiar. The difference was I would spend a lot less time in that space wondering what it was. When my fears came up I would sit down, embraced them, recognize and acknowledge its service, to remind me that I didn't have to go there anymore. It was okay to hug that young lady and say, its safe passage, just keep on moving. I still have my moments but I can say now that I have all the tools I need to come out of the dark to embrace the flickering flame from the candle that continues to burn for ever.

2 comments:

Tara said...

hey its tara, here is the website i was talking about where i made the extra summer cash.......... the website is here

Vanessa Mebane-Adebowale said...

I really and truly can relate to this, I often have found myself wondering the same, Thank God who has bought us through this. keep up this worlderful work of art. I enjoy your writing that I will be emailing other people to come to your site. It is very uplifting and insperational. Thank You for Being YOu.............Love Vanessa